July 10, 2019
#9 You Gonna Steal That? Just checking… 

because I really can’t do a damn thing about it and honestly most of us don’t want to go to court and identify you as the thief. You scumbag. (only my thoughts – the filter is on and starting this entry off a little differently than the others. 

It is beyond me how many different types of thieves there are in retail. The perfume thief, the underwear and bra thief, the run out of the store with a bag stuffed full of merchandise thief, and probably the most ridiculous thief is the lady who comes in with a baby stroller – moves around the store loading items into the stroller with a loosely covered blanket over the top – to cover the sleeping merchandise they are trying to steal. 

Come on people – there are eyes in the sky. More eyes than a rotten potato that slipped out of the bag and sprouted on the bottom of your dark pantry. 

You are being watched. If the LP (retail lingo – loss and prevention) employee is not sitting in the little backroom watching – SMILE anyway… because you are on tape and when you come back to do it again you will be busted. Seriously, when thieves get away with stealing – they come back to do it again. 

I’ve watched thieves linger by the doors with their arms full of merchandise – then run out the door and drop items along the way as they jump in their car. I’ve watched them bust out an emergency exit in the back of the store with an entire cart of merchandise and a partner in crime sitting in a getaway car in the alley. 

Here’s my favorite ‘almost thief’ story. The thief that thought he was being sneaky. The thief that switched the shoe boxes and put the $150 pair of boots in a $29.99 clearance box. That type of sneaky thief might get past a new employee but not by me – no way. 

The boots in the box are slid my way at the register.

“Hi, I’m Theresa. I’ll be cashing you out. Did you find everything you were looking for? Are you a rewards member? Wow, this is a great price for these boots.”  

“Yeah MAN, I thought so too. I needs some new shit kickers for work and I seen them. (I’m not making fun of his grammar or foul language in any way. That would be like the pot calling the kettle black.)

My first thought – Let me see, how can I handle this appropriately? Don’t offend or make this scumbag – I mean customer –  feel like the lowlife he clearly is. 

Then, I look into his smarmy eyes while smiling. 

I’m not sure, but I think someone may have made a mistake and put them in the wrong box by accident… these are like $150 dollar boots.

What I wanted to say – Oh look dumbass, the tiny label on the box says women’s clearance boots and even though they are a size 10 and the same color as the boots you are trying to steal… you are clearly not a woman.  MAN, I’m sure you were hoping the box would be scanned, without looking, and then the boots stuffed into a bag and you would be on your way. Not on my clock buddy. I am a professional retail worker and get paid the big bucks to save my store from going down anyway I can. 

“Hey MAN, I don’t want them if they ain’t $29.99. The price on the box says that.” 

“Give me second while I call back to the shoe department just to double check the price.”

He waited, which surprised me but told me he didn’t have long to wait around.

”Shoe department can you do a price check on a pair of boots? Oh really?” 

And here is where my fun began with a little snark and sass added…

I hung up the phone and looked down slightly shaking my head. I am so sorry someone switched out the boxes. The real boot box was empty laying in the clearance aisle on the floor. These boots are $165 – did you STEAL want them? Goodness, look here – this box is labeled women’s clearance boots. I totally missed that.

“WOW, WOW MAN…I didn’t see that neither. Nah, I ain’t taking them for $165.”

“Again, I am really sorry someone did that. It’s like stealing when someone gets away with the switch.  Thank you for your understanding. Have a great day. Next in line.”

Closing out let me say that stealing is stealing.  Trying to get away with switching shoe boxes and changing price tags is as bad as the lady who wears an extra large pajama bottom and a medium top and makes the set switch on her own. Just sayin…I NEVER previously did that. 

Employees can’t confront a customer who is stealing – but we are trained to notice a thief’s MO and will report suspicious activity. Heck, we even get a little reward if the police make it on time to nail the scumbag once outside our doors. 

And keep this in mind the next time you are shopping – don’t ever look up at the eyes in the sky. If you do…you are tagged by the LP to keep an eye on you the entire time you shop. 

Thank you so much for reading. (especially since you made it all the way down here to the end) Please subscribe, share, and most importantly – leave a comment if you enjoyed this post.

Theresa Dodge Multi-Tasker Extraordinaire